Dear Waldo,

I've neglected you, sorry.

But I'm thinking of trying the HCG diet for about 10 days to be at my goal.
And my sister is willing to do it with me.

Cant wait for payday.

Ok, bye.

Dear Waldo,

I am tiring myself out.
I've been walking since 10:50 which is about 9 hours.
OH-EM-GEE. I'm dying.

Tomorrow I will have a cool down day.
Just stay home, do the 30 day shred work out and relax.

Dylan is probably exhausted too. Lol.

Tis all for now<3

Dear Waldo,

I really just need a little venting.

I'm trying really hard to work it out. One fault I realized in our relationship is that I never told him what I wanted, I expected him to just know and do it.
I remember when we first started dating I would get sweet text messages from him. They were as simple as 'goodmorning, i love you' and it made my entire day. I loved waking up to those.
After a while I grew less appreciative of that. But you never know what you have till it's gone.
He eventually gave up texting me, I can't blame him. But now I'm really trying and I asked him to do that for me.
At first his excuse was that I wasn't appreciative so he stopped. I promised him that wouldn't happen again, and now his excuse is the timezone.
He started cursing at me for my 'attitude'. I didn't know I was getting an attitude. I don't understand why he couldn't have just TOLD me instead of cursing.
I feel like such a burden. All I want is for us to be 'us' again. But I just feel so lost and hurt.
He clearly doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I'm trying hard not to get mad. This isn't an argument worth our time, but I still just want him to know how I feel but he's taking it the wrong way.

Dear Waldo,

I forgot to talk about my changing physically, lol.

Well, I did Day 1 of my 30 day shred. IT KICKED MY FUCKING ASS!
I felt like 20lbs lighter at the end of it though.

I also walked over 10 miles. I walked down to my sisters school, then to the mall, then around the mall, then home. It was far. And there was lots of uphills.
I was dying at the end of it.

I'm entirely too proud of my sister, in the past 6 weeks she's lost 30lbs just by counting calories. She's amazing!<3

As for me, I weigh a lot less than I though. I blame the workout, lol. I weigh 147, as opposed to my 176 two weeks ago before my miscarriage. So my now goal is to shred 13lbs and be prepregnancy again. I actually hope I lose the boobs, lol.

Also, I need an ass. Anyone wanna loan me an ass? :P

I'm just about to shower and apply my cellulite cream. I need to take a picture first, but I don't know how I'm going to do that. Lol.

Goodnight <3

Dear Waldo,

Words cannot describe how amazing I have felt lately.

Finally accepting my faults in a bad situation is really helping me see things in such a new light, it's amazing. I feel powerful now. It's really hard to explain.

I have played the victim way too much in my life. But I wasn't the victim in 90% of the situations. Although I am ashamed to have done that, I feel great now for recognizing my faults.

I plan to everyday think of a situation that hurt me (for as many days as it lasts) and write an apology letter for my faults. Sure I may not give it to them, but it could help me a lot more to let go of that pain.

So today I will start with my husband David.

Dear David,

You are such an amazing husband and I'm so sorry I haven't acknowledged it before. You do all you can to provide for our son and I and I'm so thankful. Without you I wouldn't have all the things I have. I wouldn't have the luxury of staying home all day while you were out working.

I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about this monster I became with my depression. I'm so sorry. Words can't describe how sorry I am.

Every time you tried to get close, I pushed you away. You didn't deserve that. I put all the blame on you. It wasn't your fault I was depressed. It wasn't your fault I miscarried. You're not a horrible husband or father. You're a wonderful person. I'm so sorry I didn't see that before.

You deserve the world David. I'm sorry I can't give that to you, but I can only hope my heart will be enough.

As long as I live I will make it up to you. I will never treat you the way I did ever again. I'm so sorry I made you feel like complete shit. Instead of doing that I should've just told you what I wanted, but instead I yelled at you, called you names, and tried controlling you. I went about it the completely wrong way and for that I'm sorry.

I love you with all my heart, every single fiber in my body.

Love,

Your wife(:

Also waldo,

I forgot to tell you... I'm in hawaii :) !!!!

I missed my family so much and I already feel like I'm finding myself again.

Dear Waldo,

So after this whole incident with my husband, I've been reflecting a lot on myself.

Honestly, nothing can 'make up' for him cheating, but I guess I am starting to understand it.

I have so many faults in our broken relationship and I've been blaming them ALL on him. I've been trying to pretend I'm perfect in our relationship and he's the fuck up, but he's not. We're both fuck ups.

I didn't realize half of the shit I was doing that could hurt him, or that did hurt him. I feel so guilty. How can I treat someone I love so badly? I've let my depression bring out the worst in me, I've become and entirely different person. He didn't cheat on ME, he cheated on the monster I had become.

I'm really starting to think about working it out. I want nothing more than for my son to have a family. I want nothing more than to have my family. I would give the WORLD to go back and erase our past, to erase all the bad and to start with the good.

David didn't deserve the way I was treating him. He has done nothing but try to provide the best for our family. I hope I can move forward from this. I want to trust him again, I want to feel close to him again, I want to find the us that we were. I know that's still there somewhere.

Hopefully with this step, we can get this relationship back.

So now, with this blog, I will not only focus on the physical changes that I am trying for, but the emotional and mental changes as well. I want to be the person I was. I know she's in me somewhere. I just need to find her again.